I don't ever claim to have it all together. I don't have all the answers and Eliot grows so much day-to-day that I have to learn and adapt with him. I remember when he was a couple of weeks old, he'd nap every day at 2:00 pm. I'd feel bad for Chris because Eliot would be asleep when Chris got home from work for a while. Now? No consistent naps. That isn't much of a complaint, but just an example of how much he changes.

For a while now, he has been nursing for just five minutes at a time, getting sick of it, and biting (or should I say gumming) me followed by a big old grin. He thinks its funny. And if his smile weren't so irresistible, I'd have my feelings hurt as well. But he doesn't mean it in a bad way. Maybe it is a game. Maybe he is over it. I try to push him to eat longer and less frequently, but he isn't down for it and we both get irritated.

It has progressed more now that I have been trying to supplement with formula before bedtime. Obviously, the fast nipples on the bottle are faster than my own. And he is too impatient with me. Today, we battled trying to get him to sleep for about two hours. Chris suggested letting him cry it out. I don't feel ready all the way and this time I just knew inside that it wasn't the right moment. So, we threw our hands in the air after I was bitten and Eliot refused the other side after waiting thirty more minutes. I gave him some formula. Five minutes and three and a half ounces later? Out. For twenty minutes. He was so hungry, but too impatient with me.

I really want to breastfeed for six months; however, when I see him suck those ounces down (he takes about seven ounces in a sitting before bed), I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I can't keep up and he won't barely try anymore. Our plan is for me to pump as much as possible so he can use the fast nipples. I need to change my attitude about that pump and fast.

Circles. We just keep going in circles circles circles. And always the same conclusion when the decision is in our face. Will I ever stop making posts about the same thing with the same logic, questions, frustrations, but with different conclusions? Every time we get close to going through with supplementing with formula before bed, we argue with ourselves and decide to hold off. It is so hard to make the plunge of sorts, so even if it makes things harder on me, it is easier to keep doing more of the same. It is familiar, you know? And Eliot is doing so well being exclusively breastfed.

So! I got a lot done today. Three loads of laundry. Emptied the diaper pail. Brought the trashcan back in. Gave Eliot a bath. I plan to go pack my bag in a few minutes because I think Eliot is asleep for the night--or until 2:30 am and then 4:30 am, 6:30 am, and 8:30 am. Then I'll go to bed to try to get some sleep. Soooo tired.

Yesterday, we headed over Chris's aunt and uncle's house. His cousin was in town from college and hadn't met Eliot. Also, they had his grandmother over visiting. A big part of me still feels guilty for not having Eliot earlier so his grandfather could meet him. And I feel bad for his grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and seems sad sometimes. And I would be too. But, for some reason, she just loves Eliot. They say she has never been a "baby person," but she always wants to hold him, offers to babysit, and lights up when we bring him around. I'm glad we can give her some of that.

Last night, I got everything ready. I loaded the changing stations with diapers. I set out a bib downstairs and also one upstairs. I filled Eliot's bottles with my milk. I had more than I thought! Five bottles, each with three ounces. That is fifteen ounces! Chris doesn't need me to get everything ready for him--he could do it himself--but it makes me feel better about leaving. Seeing those bottles full puts my mind at ease.

Chris and I have come up with a plan of sorts. I would like to stay home all the time with Eliot--what mom wouldn't?--but one day a week isn't so bad. And I do think this is important bonding time for Eliot and Chris without me around. Anyway, it might not be as difficult if he weren't so young. But we came up with a plan to help ease some of the stress and anxiety that I feel throughout the week about the coming of Monday. Soon we'll start giving Eliot a bottle of formula with his vitamins before bed. Not only will this help his sleep (he woke up four times last night, which is extra difficult for a night before an early morning for work!), but then I can save that extra pumped milk for Mondays. We'll aim to continue to just give him my pumped milk on Mondays, but at least I won't have to stress out as much since he will have already been introduced to formula in case Chris needs an extra bottle for some reason.

I feel so weird about it all. Most of me feels like it is not a big deal. Most of our parents (and Chris) were "formula babies," and so many babies are mostly just formula-fed. And I'm just supplementing. The doctors weren't alarmed when we mentioned considering it. In fact, our one pediatrician recommended it due to his sleep. And he went for two months exclusively breastfed. This will be one bottle a night. And then if I go home to visit my parents and my mom is willing to watch Eliot for a couple of hours for Chris and I to do something, I don't have to fret about bringing extra milk down in a cooler or something. I think all that has me cautious almost is this worry of self-righteousness. I know the hardcore breastfeeding people would tell me to suck it up and get over my selfishness. But, you know, one bottle is not a big deal, and I'm doing it so I'll have the strength to keep giving him my milk during the work day. And maybe I'll be a better mom during the day since I'll be well rested.

By the way, check out my two-month-old GIANT in three-month clothes.

Feeling kind of down today. I guess I just never can get everything done that I want to. There is always more to clean and that task becomes more difficult during the week. Sundays are always oddly hard. After a week of fretting about pumping and trying to squeeze sessions in, I worry if I have done enough. The answer is always a nagging "no".

The reality that I have to go to work tomorrow creeps in. I hate leaving Eliot and thinking of the ounces I labored for being swallowed too quickly and running out. I hate getting the key to the vacant cubicle to pump and self-consciously hoping that no one can hear the "womp womp" of the pump. And listening closely to determine if anyone is around so I can quickly and inefficiently wash my pump and throw it into my bag. Each week gets more difficult, not less, as my mind is beginning to realize that this leaving my baby is a routine that I am establishing, not an exception.

Every Monday morning as I pack my bag, I wonder what I am doing and why. I get a scholarship for this, not a pay check. My paid work is done at home.

The truth is that I have it easy. I work one day. One. For ten hours. And I might be away from Eliot, but he is with Chris. I see them for lunch and Chris brings me dinner. I don't have a thing to complain about. It is still hard, though.

Just got back from Eliot's two month appointment. Eleven pounds and three ounces (75 percentile), twenty-three and a half inches long (90 percentile!!!), and head circumference of fifteen inches (50 percentile). When the doctor left the room, Chris was bursting with excitement about Eliot's possible basketball future. Ha!

The doctor was happy with everything and said that Eliot's green poops are probably just from the fish oil since he is growing so well. I had just thought of that last night. The green diapers started showing up around the time we started giving him the fish oil at night.... Anyway, that is a relief.

We also gave Eliot his first round of vaccines. Ugh. Vaccines have been something I have struggled with in my mind for a long time, even before we got pregnant. Since Chris's cousin is autistic, it is all very real to us. I understand both sides, but with the help of our doctor (whose practice is also well-renowned for being an autism treatment center), I think we have a good, precautions plan. We space them out more than most doctors and give Eliot vitamins to boost his immune system every night.

Speaking of vitamins, I would almost be willing to bet that Eliot would sleep through the night with formula. We usually put his vitamins in a bottle of one or two ounces. Last night, we had a bag of three ounces of breast milk that needed to be finished up before it went bad. So we gave him three ounces right before bed and doubled up on the vitamins since he'd be getting his vaccines. And then Eliot wanted to eat more. So I fed him. The kid slept from 10:30 pm til 5:30 am! If only I could get him to eat that much every night before bed! Then he'd totally be sleeping just fine! But instead he prefers to sip sip sip. He has gotten better since he was a newborn, though. It used to be every hour. Now he usually sleeps until 2:30 am and then gets up every two hours. He'll be eight weeks old tomorrow and I'm tired. Chris said maybe we can try the formula before bed next week. He'd rather I exclusively breastfeed this week to give him the extra benefits since he just got his shots. I don't know. It'd be nice, but it is oh so hard to make the plunge with supplementing. And then I think about it and it IS just supplementing some, not quitting.

Eliot's clothes come in the mail today! And then his bumbo tomorrow! I'm probably more excited than I should be. I'm just really looking forward to washing and organizing all of his clothes. Haha! I love seeing him grow, but of course it makes me sad at the same time. His newborn dino outfits were so cute! I love them! And my little newborn is growing up. Ah.

p.s. I pumped almost three ounces this morning. Maybe the oatmeal is helping. Haha!

Today was the total opposite of yesterday....

I spent all day yesterday in bed. Eliot and I snuggled and talked and stared at each other while I tried to pump whenever I felt like I physically could. I got three ounces. I ate a lunch of oatmeal and pita chips with hummus around 1:30 pm. I showered around 3:00 pm, I think. It was a lazy day, and I really think I needed it following my 10-hour work day on Monday. Did I mention that on Monday night I fell asleep when Chris started watching a movie and thought he turned it off? Turns out that he watched the whole and part of a documentary and I didn't even notice because I was sooo passed out. Haha!

Last night, Chris and I planned to have sandwiches, rice with broccoli, and grapes for dinner. We're a team in the kitchen, so it started getting difficult carrying Eliot around while prepping. We decided to lay him down for a little while since it really wouldn't take long to finish putting dinner together. He wasn't having it. He cried and cried, but he has to some time, right? Well, he didn't forgive us the whole night and seemed so upset. He finally fell asleep about 9:00 pm, but was up fussing a lot throughout the night. I eventually put him in bed with us and he fell right to sleep. Eliot really does not fuss often for no reason. He is so easy to please, so I must have really made him mad.

Today was a new day, though. A fresh start. Eliot woke up around 8:00 am ready for the day. I managed a breakfast of oatmeal and grapes--I read that some people think oatmeal increases milk supply, so I figured it is worth a shot. I showered around 11:30 am. Around 12:15 pm, we were out the door to go meet Chris for lunch. I love seeing Chris in the middle of the day. It gives me something to look forward to and really helps me feel like I "got out" instead of sitting around alone. We ate at Five Guys and headed to Target for a few things and to finish up Eliot's clothes shopping. We also wanted to get him a bumbo. They only had a purple and pink bumbo, so I ordered one online instead. However, I got the rest of his clothes: a two-pack of sleepers, some white onesies, and a pair of pants. He should be set, I think. As nice as it is to have his clothes, I don't like not needing more. I love picking out his clothes more than my own.

Chris ran into Starbucks for us and then I took him back to work. We did all that in an hour! Eliot was so sweet the whole time until we got closer to home and he was just ready to eat. Now he is sitting on my lap rather content. Chris will be home in an hour and a half. I think I'll try to pump soon and then do some dishes if Eliot will let me. And then feed him again. And change his diaper again. :) I love hanging out with this little guy. I love taking care of him.

Another blog. How many of these have I had? It always feels nice to start again, I suppose. For this one, I'll mostly just be posting all of my thoughts that aren't really appropriate for my main, family blog. Everyone knows about that one. I don't feel comfortable rambling about breastfeeding and such there. And if people find this, then that is totally fine. I don't really care. I just don't want to advertise this everywhere, you know?

As for the title, I often use kttherobin for myself since my last name is Robinson these days. So, we'll just say Eliot is my robin now or something. Haha!

It strikes me that I am far too concerned with my audience.

Anyway... Christopher left for work. He brought me breakfast. Eliot has been up since about 8:00 am and now he is laying next to me in bed sucking on his paci, wearing just a diaper. He looks so sweet this way--and he is!

If I were smart and proactive, I'd be pumping right now, but I'm just exhausted by the pump at this point. I never looked forward to it or liked it, but now I'm simply frustrated. I don't know how women who work full time are able to pump enough for their babies. I spend all week hoping that I have gotten enough for my one day of ten hours.

I don't think my supply has really risen to the new demands that I introduced with the pump. Or maybe I just didn't pump enough. I started at 3 weeks--four weeks ago. To get it all right, I need to pump twice a day, getting four ounces total. Two ounces go in a bottle each night so we can give Eliot his DHA vitamins. The other two ounces go in a bag to store for Mondays while I'm at work. That would give Eliot 14 ounces while I am away--plenty.

However, I have trouble convincing myself to pump in the mornings, which I have read is the best time. I'm just tired. And if I do happen to pump in the morning, even if Eliot is asleep and just ate, he'll smell it and want to eat again. Then I have to pump and feed him at the same time. And then I can't do the other side.

By noon, I think of pumping, but feel discouraged that I waited so long. So then if I try in the evening when Chris is home, I've already missed my first pumping session and I often only get an ounce at night.

I tried to be good and smart last night/this morning. Eliot woke up at 3:20 am with a dirty diaper and wanting to eat. I fed him from the left side. My right felt full, a little hard, and I hadn't fed him much throughout the day since I had worked, so I was sure I'd get a lot. My right side seems to produce more. I was excited to be good and sacrifice sleep to pump. I was stoked thinking of how much I'd get, how ahead I'd be, and how proud Chris would be. I pumped for 15 minutes. Less than half an ounce. I tried the left side--I didn't think Eliot had drained it all the way and it had been a little while. Not a DROP. Are you kidding me? Now I had to go downstairs, store the milk, and clean everything out. By the time I got back to bed, it was 4:30 am--and guess who woke up at 5:20 am. And then 6:30 am. I was so discouraged.

Also, Eliot has been having more green diapers mid-day on til night when they should be orange. Then in the middle of the night and in the morning, the diapers are orange again. I have read all sorts of responses. Green could mean he isn't getting enough, that he has a stomach virus, or that he is just getting the less fatty foremilk. Or it could mean nothing if he is a happy, thriving baby. And he is happy. And continues to gain weight. According to our home scale, he is 11.2 pounds at 7 and a half weeks--he was 7 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. I highly doubt it is a stomach virus because this has been going on for about three weeks at least and he doesn't seem to feel badly. It is possible that he is more of a "sipper" at some stretches of the day, causing him to mostly get foremilk instead of draining the breast for the hindmilk.

Because of these green diapers, Chris and I were thinking a little bit about supplementing with formula. It'd be nice to get some longer increments of sleep at night. And then I wouldn't have to worry as much about pumping enough during the week. Of course, I'd try, but I could rest assured knowing that if Chris ran out, Eliot would simply have a bottle of formula or two. Would it be that bad for one day during the week and maybe one bottle at night? Heck, we could put his vitamins in that formula bottle at night, so all of my pumping efforts would go straight toward the Monday stash! I thought it was an all right idea. From the beginning, I figured I'd try to exclusively breastfeed as long as I could, but wouldn't feel guilty about supplementing.

Chris was quite opposed at first. And then he thought maybe. After reading the internet, though, he didn't feel comfortable making the plunge. Introducing Eliot's digestive system to formula is a big decision that you can't take back. He said maybe it'd be best to wait until Eliot hits three months--by the way, the doctor suggested supplementing with formula at his one month appointment since he was still waking up on the hour and Chris said we should try to wait until two months; well, here we are. Although, I admit that after figuring out that the green diapers probably weren't the biggest deal, supplementing was an idea that would make it all easier for me.

In the end, I'll just suck it up and keep on trying. I'm thankful that Chris cares and wants the best for Eliot. Chris is very supportive throughout this whole breastfeeding adventure as well, so it isn't just me making the sacrifices. He constantly encourages me to not allow myself to get anxious about it all, yet he also reminds me that I should go try to pump. On Mondays, I come home for lunch and feed Eliot. I also give Chris the milk that I have pumped at work. Then after the office closes, I stay for two more hours, so Chris brings me dinner the last hour and I feed Eliot again. With this routine, we've had more than enough pumped milk for the last two weeks--although we did dig into a bag of frozen milk that I had gathered before returning to work. If I'm exclusively breastfeeding, it gives me an excuse to see my baby and husband twice during my ten-hour work day. And I like that.