Yesterday, we headed over Chris's aunt and uncle's house. His cousin was in town from college and hadn't met Eliot. Also, they had his grandmother over visiting. A big part of me still feels guilty for not having Eliot earlier so his grandfather could meet him. And I feel bad for his grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and seems sad sometimes. And I would be too. But, for some reason, she just loves Eliot. They say she has never been a "baby person," but she always wants to hold him, offers to babysit, and lights up when we bring him around. I'm glad we can give her some of that.

Last night, I got everything ready. I loaded the changing stations with diapers. I set out a bib downstairs and also one upstairs. I filled Eliot's bottles with my milk. I had more than I thought! Five bottles, each with three ounces. That is fifteen ounces! Chris doesn't need me to get everything ready for him--he could do it himself--but it makes me feel better about leaving. Seeing those bottles full puts my mind at ease.

Chris and I have come up with a plan of sorts. I would like to stay home all the time with Eliot--what mom wouldn't?--but one day a week isn't so bad. And I do think this is important bonding time for Eliot and Chris without me around. Anyway, it might not be as difficult if he weren't so young. But we came up with a plan to help ease some of the stress and anxiety that I feel throughout the week about the coming of Monday. Soon we'll start giving Eliot a bottle of formula with his vitamins before bed. Not only will this help his sleep (he woke up four times last night, which is extra difficult for a night before an early morning for work!), but then I can save that extra pumped milk for Mondays. We'll aim to continue to just give him my pumped milk on Mondays, but at least I won't have to stress out as much since he will have already been introduced to formula in case Chris needs an extra bottle for some reason.

I feel so weird about it all. Most of me feels like it is not a big deal. Most of our parents (and Chris) were "formula babies," and so many babies are mostly just formula-fed. And I'm just supplementing. The doctors weren't alarmed when we mentioned considering it. In fact, our one pediatrician recommended it due to his sleep. And he went for two months exclusively breastfed. This will be one bottle a night. And then if I go home to visit my parents and my mom is willing to watch Eliot for a couple of hours for Chris and I to do something, I don't have to fret about bringing extra milk down in a cooler or something. I think all that has me cautious almost is this worry of self-righteousness. I know the hardcore breastfeeding people would tell me to suck it up and get over my selfishness. But, you know, one bottle is not a big deal, and I'm doing it so I'll have the strength to keep giving him my milk during the work day. And maybe I'll be a better mom during the day since I'll be well rested.

By the way, check out my two-month-old GIANT in three-month clothes.