Another blog. How many of these have I had? It always feels nice to start again, I suppose. For this one, I'll mostly just be posting all of my thoughts that aren't really appropriate for my main, family blog. Everyone knows about that one. I don't feel comfortable rambling about breastfeeding and such there. And if people find this, then that is totally fine. I don't really care. I just don't want to advertise this everywhere, you know?

As for the title, I often use kttherobin for myself since my last name is Robinson these days. So, we'll just say Eliot is my robin now or something. Haha!

It strikes me that I am far too concerned with my audience.

Anyway... Christopher left for work. He brought me breakfast. Eliot has been up since about 8:00 am and now he is laying next to me in bed sucking on his paci, wearing just a diaper. He looks so sweet this way--and he is!

If I were smart and proactive, I'd be pumping right now, but I'm just exhausted by the pump at this point. I never looked forward to it or liked it, but now I'm simply frustrated. I don't know how women who work full time are able to pump enough for their babies. I spend all week hoping that I have gotten enough for my one day of ten hours.

I don't think my supply has really risen to the new demands that I introduced with the pump. Or maybe I just didn't pump enough. I started at 3 weeks--four weeks ago. To get it all right, I need to pump twice a day, getting four ounces total. Two ounces go in a bottle each night so we can give Eliot his DHA vitamins. The other two ounces go in a bag to store for Mondays while I'm at work. That would give Eliot 14 ounces while I am away--plenty.

However, I have trouble convincing myself to pump in the mornings, which I have read is the best time. I'm just tired. And if I do happen to pump in the morning, even if Eliot is asleep and just ate, he'll smell it and want to eat again. Then I have to pump and feed him at the same time. And then I can't do the other side.

By noon, I think of pumping, but feel discouraged that I waited so long. So then if I try in the evening when Chris is home, I've already missed my first pumping session and I often only get an ounce at night.

I tried to be good and smart last night/this morning. Eliot woke up at 3:20 am with a dirty diaper and wanting to eat. I fed him from the left side. My right felt full, a little hard, and I hadn't fed him much throughout the day since I had worked, so I was sure I'd get a lot. My right side seems to produce more. I was excited to be good and sacrifice sleep to pump. I was stoked thinking of how much I'd get, how ahead I'd be, and how proud Chris would be. I pumped for 15 minutes. Less than half an ounce. I tried the left side--I didn't think Eliot had drained it all the way and it had been a little while. Not a DROP. Are you kidding me? Now I had to go downstairs, store the milk, and clean everything out. By the time I got back to bed, it was 4:30 am--and guess who woke up at 5:20 am. And then 6:30 am. I was so discouraged.

Also, Eliot has been having more green diapers mid-day on til night when they should be orange. Then in the middle of the night and in the morning, the diapers are orange again. I have read all sorts of responses. Green could mean he isn't getting enough, that he has a stomach virus, or that he is just getting the less fatty foremilk. Or it could mean nothing if he is a happy, thriving baby. And he is happy. And continues to gain weight. According to our home scale, he is 11.2 pounds at 7 and a half weeks--he was 7 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. I highly doubt it is a stomach virus because this has been going on for about three weeks at least and he doesn't seem to feel badly. It is possible that he is more of a "sipper" at some stretches of the day, causing him to mostly get foremilk instead of draining the breast for the hindmilk.

Because of these green diapers, Chris and I were thinking a little bit about supplementing with formula. It'd be nice to get some longer increments of sleep at night. And then I wouldn't have to worry as much about pumping enough during the week. Of course, I'd try, but I could rest assured knowing that if Chris ran out, Eliot would simply have a bottle of formula or two. Would it be that bad for one day during the week and maybe one bottle at night? Heck, we could put his vitamins in that formula bottle at night, so all of my pumping efforts would go straight toward the Monday stash! I thought it was an all right idea. From the beginning, I figured I'd try to exclusively breastfeed as long as I could, but wouldn't feel guilty about supplementing.

Chris was quite opposed at first. And then he thought maybe. After reading the internet, though, he didn't feel comfortable making the plunge. Introducing Eliot's digestive system to formula is a big decision that you can't take back. He said maybe it'd be best to wait until Eliot hits three months--by the way, the doctor suggested supplementing with formula at his one month appointment since he was still waking up on the hour and Chris said we should try to wait until two months; well, here we are. Although, I admit that after figuring out that the green diapers probably weren't the biggest deal, supplementing was an idea that would make it all easier for me.

In the end, I'll just suck it up and keep on trying. I'm thankful that Chris cares and wants the best for Eliot. Chris is very supportive throughout this whole breastfeeding adventure as well, so it isn't just me making the sacrifices. He constantly encourages me to not allow myself to get anxious about it all, yet he also reminds me that I should go try to pump. On Mondays, I come home for lunch and feed Eliot. I also give Chris the milk that I have pumped at work. Then after the office closes, I stay for two more hours, so Chris brings me dinner the last hour and I feed Eliot again. With this routine, we've had more than enough pumped milk for the last two weeks--although we did dig into a bag of frozen milk that I had gathered before returning to work. If I'm exclusively breastfeeding, it gives me an excuse to see my baby and husband twice during my ten-hour work day. And I like that.