It has been a really good week and it is only Tuesday. Yesterday, we got some really great news about Chris's job. I don't think anyone reads this, and the job is official, so I suppose it won't hurt to post this. Some quick background information: Christopher and I are both adjunct English professors who more or less teach a full load. I usually teach five classes a semester (including summers) and Chris is assigned about seven. However, as adjuncts, our positions are "non-contractual"--or need-based. At the same time, all of the online professors are adjuncts, so there is continually a big need. So, our jobs are not technically the most secure, but the reality is that we will most likely receive our usual load. There is a contractual position, though, called an Instructional Mentor, which is the supervisor of a team of professors. I have an IM. Chris has an IM. The IM answers questions, evaluates professors once a year, and holds professors accountable for keeping up their grading. This position is contractual. IMs also can teach up to five courses a subterm (or fifteen courses a semester and ten in the summer). And Chris was promoted to an IM yesterday. He starts July 1st.

This is great news for us. I feel such a relief that he will have a contract. We always received our load as expected, but there was always this linger thought in my mind that it isn't promised. However, as an IM, Chris now has that security. What a relief indeed! It is a great step for him career-wise as well. I'm so excited for him!

In other news, I ordered a couple of baby food "cookbooks" today. I have been planning to make Eliot's baby food myself for some time. While I'm sure pureeing some carrots isn't that complicated, I am looking forward to seeing what sorts of interesting combinations they have and what other tips are included in the books. The one also has recipes and meal ideas for toddlers based on growing and changing nutritional needs, so it should be helpful. As silly as it sounds, most of my parenting anxiety revolves around nutrition. I was so very worried about breastfeeding, so I ordered a La Leche League book and felt much better after reading it. And breastfeeding has gone beautifully well. Then I started feeling overwhelmed when thinking of the transition to solids. What is the correct balance of milk to food? And how do you change over? So many people that I see start on solids around four months. Eliot will be four months in just 11 days. However, our doctor said firmly not to start any solids at all until six months. It is confusing, but I think that these books will help to assure me that I will be able to figure out the right transition at the right time for Eliot and he won't be deficient in any sort of mineral area or anything.

Eliot's sleeping just keeps getting worse, it seems. He is up about six times a night. I was bad and let him sleep in bed with us the past two nights. So that was two nights in the crib and then two with us. He doesn't demand to sleep with us or anything. It is just easier on me. And his number of times getting up seems to be the same either way. The subject of formula came up again because Chris is getting woken up a bit too, which isn't good for his work schedule. He went in later today than he had hoped because he was so tired. My sleep doesn't matter too much because I don't have anywhere to go. Anyway, we might start giving him a bottle of formula before bed once he hits four months. As I said before, I planned to breastfeed for six months, but had always been very open to (and almost planning on) supplementing with formula before bedtime to help with sleep. Six times a night is just too much. Maybe it is four month sleep regression, but he never fully "recovered" from his three-month growth spurt (which came a couple of weeks early). Before that, he only got up TWICE a night. What is with this six thing?

Kimmy is coming this weekend to celebrate her birthday with a camping trip. I've been trying to get things in order. Today I cleaned Mr. Rufus's cage, did some dishes, did three loads of laundry, cleaned the toilet upstairs (yep, just the toilet), tidied up Eliot's room, and tried to organize some bills. Seriously. Stray papers will be my downfall. I have a system for the important items, but it is hard to maintain with so much junk mail!

I feel like Eliot is going through a growth spurt. He has to be. Has to be! He is eating all the time, not just every two hours. And he is waking up a lot more during the night. This is the third night in a row that he has gotten up more than four times. Usually it is just two. And it's not like he naps a lot during the day. I'll get two or three twenty-minute naps at the most, but nothing I can count on. Just enough time to throw some lunch together. I suppose he is about two weeks early for the three-month growth spurt, but I guess every baby is different.

I'm glad I quit work when I did. It looks like I would have had to have gone full-time. And I really didn't realize how stressed I was about pumping until I didn't have to all the time. I need to work on doing it just to build up a supply and give him is vitamins, but, man, it was so frustrating. I'm much happier at home with my baby and so thankful that Chris completely supported my decision.

Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling kind of bummed these days. I have a lot of grading and schoolwork to do. And I can't ever seem to organize our bedroom. No time. Eliot is always awake and wanting to be held. If not, he's in the jumparoo, which is just a little bit big, so I have to keep an eye on him. And that never lasts long. So, I may be at home, but I don't have a lot of time to get things done and I certainly don't go "out". I feel claustrophobic and antsy. I did organize the pantry yesterday, washed and dried a load, and cleaned the kitty litter. Today, I answered a lot of emails, talked to my mom, and made some car appointments. Chris and I have been going on walks too, which helps me get out of the house some. Maybe I just need to make a list of things to get done each day. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Sometimes I wonder if God prepares your heart for what is coming without you realizing it. Or maybe you feel something important stirring, but aren't brave enough to take the plunge, so to say, and He more or less makes it so you have to. Such has been the situation at work.

I quit my grad assistant job today in the School of Ed. I'm still working from home as an English professor.

Work has been such a struggle--and I don't mean just emotionally. I've gone on and on about my pumping challenges. And a 10-hour day is quite draining when going off of little sleep. Now there are HR conflicts with paperwork. My department wants to keep me, but I guess HR is saying part-time won't be an option beyond May. I personally can't do full-time. I just can't and Chris doesn't want me to. So, I was just working for a scholarship. For one class. So why keep on all stressed out every week if I won't be able to stay anyway?

The good news is that I will be paying for a lot less credits than I thought. One class in the summer, the comprehensive exams are free, and then one class per semester for dissertation research. Before I was under the impression that it was double, so it really is not much money at all.

This means I'm officially a work at home mom. No more office time. And I'm really relieved.

My legs hurt "like they do sometimes." That's the description I've been giving for fourteen years. Ever since I was at least ten, my legs will occasionally ache horribly. Nothing makes it better and I just say that they hurt "like they do sometimes" and everyone in my family knows what I'm referring to. I'm a medical mystery. I've been to multiple doctors, had x rays, and so on. No one knows why, but it seems to go with the weather--and it rained yesterday. At the same time, it seems to be a muscle issue. I don't know. But they hurt horribly today, so I'm staying home from work.

We had a really awesome weekend in Chesapeake. Eliot finally met three of my friends (Truly, Kimmy, and Sara). We took him to the beach. We hung out with family. And then we came home to a night of Chris finishing up his grading.

Sometimes you take a photo and you know it will be a family classic. You know that you and others will look back on it years and years later fondly. "Remember the first time we took him to the beach?" That is going to be wrapped up in this photo. And I've taken a lot of photos that I have been proud of over the years--ones that are better than this--but for some reason the fact that there are now three of us instead of two seems to make a big difference. Everything was special before, but now it is more special, more important. I guess with Eliot I feel like I'm building family history. I guess I feel like I'm laying the ground work for later Robinsons. Like one day Eliot will point to this picture when he is older and tell his kids, "That is me and my dad." And I hope he is filled with a sense of love, appreciation, and nostaglia because that Chris is the proudest, most loving dad that I could have ever imagined for my baby.

Another week of work done! Chris suggested that I break my 10 hours up into two days (Mondays and Fridays) if it is getting to be too much, but I'd rather just put my head down and get it all in at once so I can keep our three-day weekends together. We seem to be noticing a pattern with Eliot on my work days. He goes through three bottles while I am away since I am able to feed him at lunch and dinner. Establishing these routines really helps me to relax concerning the whole situation. It is hard when you're trying to prepare for something when you don't know what to expect. I'm feeling better and better as we go along. Maybe part of that is just because another Monday is over. Haha!

As I was putting Eliot in bed last night, he was making all sorts of cute faces, noises, and kicking up a storm. Although I didn't want to tick him off with the flash (he is mostly OK with the flash during the day, but doesn't like it when it is dark), I got some nice shots using just the light coming from our bedside lamp. I'm sure everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, but, man, I really think he is!

I have all sorts of plans for today, most of which probably won't happen. We're heading to Chesapeake on Thursday night, so I'd like to do a lot of laundry to get ready.

Yesterday, we headed over Chris's aunt and uncle's house. His cousin was in town from college and hadn't met Eliot. Also, they had his grandmother over visiting. A big part of me still feels guilty for not having Eliot earlier so his grandfather could meet him. And I feel bad for his grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and seems sad sometimes. And I would be too. But, for some reason, she just loves Eliot. They say she has never been a "baby person," but she always wants to hold him, offers to babysit, and lights up when we bring him around. I'm glad we can give her some of that.

Last night, I got everything ready. I loaded the changing stations with diapers. I set out a bib downstairs and also one upstairs. I filled Eliot's bottles with my milk. I had more than I thought! Five bottles, each with three ounces. That is fifteen ounces! Chris doesn't need me to get everything ready for him--he could do it himself--but it makes me feel better about leaving. Seeing those bottles full puts my mind at ease.

Chris and I have come up with a plan of sorts. I would like to stay home all the time with Eliot--what mom wouldn't?--but one day a week isn't so bad. And I do think this is important bonding time for Eliot and Chris without me around. Anyway, it might not be as difficult if he weren't so young. But we came up with a plan to help ease some of the stress and anxiety that I feel throughout the week about the coming of Monday. Soon we'll start giving Eliot a bottle of formula with his vitamins before bed. Not only will this help his sleep (he woke up four times last night, which is extra difficult for a night before an early morning for work!), but then I can save that extra pumped milk for Mondays. We'll aim to continue to just give him my pumped milk on Mondays, but at least I won't have to stress out as much since he will have already been introduced to formula in case Chris needs an extra bottle for some reason.

I feel so weird about it all. Most of me feels like it is not a big deal. Most of our parents (and Chris) were "formula babies," and so many babies are mostly just formula-fed. And I'm just supplementing. The doctors weren't alarmed when we mentioned considering it. In fact, our one pediatrician recommended it due to his sleep. And he went for two months exclusively breastfed. This will be one bottle a night. And then if I go home to visit my parents and my mom is willing to watch Eliot for a couple of hours for Chris and I to do something, I don't have to fret about bringing extra milk down in a cooler or something. I think all that has me cautious almost is this worry of self-righteousness. I know the hardcore breastfeeding people would tell me to suck it up and get over my selfishness. But, you know, one bottle is not a big deal, and I'm doing it so I'll have the strength to keep giving him my milk during the work day. And maybe I'll be a better mom during the day since I'll be well rested.

By the way, check out my two-month-old GIANT in three-month clothes.

Feeling kind of down today. I guess I just never can get everything done that I want to. There is always more to clean and that task becomes more difficult during the week. Sundays are always oddly hard. After a week of fretting about pumping and trying to squeeze sessions in, I worry if I have done enough. The answer is always a nagging "no".

The reality that I have to go to work tomorrow creeps in. I hate leaving Eliot and thinking of the ounces I labored for being swallowed too quickly and running out. I hate getting the key to the vacant cubicle to pump and self-consciously hoping that no one can hear the "womp womp" of the pump. And listening closely to determine if anyone is around so I can quickly and inefficiently wash my pump and throw it into my bag. Each week gets more difficult, not less, as my mind is beginning to realize that this leaving my baby is a routine that I am establishing, not an exception.

Every Monday morning as I pack my bag, I wonder what I am doing and why. I get a scholarship for this, not a pay check. My paid work is done at home.

The truth is that I have it easy. I work one day. One. For ten hours. And I might be away from Eliot, but he is with Chris. I see them for lunch and Chris brings me dinner. I don't have a thing to complain about. It is still hard, though.