I don't ever claim to have it all together. I don't have all the answers and Eliot grows so much day-to-day that I have to learn and adapt with him. I remember when he was a couple of weeks old, he'd nap every day at 2:00 pm. I'd feel bad for Chris because Eliot would be asleep when Chris got home from work for a while. Now? No consistent naps. That isn't much of a complaint, but just an example of how much he changes.

For a while now, he has been nursing for just five minutes at a time, getting sick of it, and biting (or should I say gumming) me followed by a big old grin. He thinks its funny. And if his smile weren't so irresistible, I'd have my feelings hurt as well. But he doesn't mean it in a bad way. Maybe it is a game. Maybe he is over it. I try to push him to eat longer and less frequently, but he isn't down for it and we both get irritated.

It has progressed more now that I have been trying to supplement with formula before bedtime. Obviously, the fast nipples on the bottle are faster than my own. And he is too impatient with me. Today, we battled trying to get him to sleep for about two hours. Chris suggested letting him cry it out. I don't feel ready all the way and this time I just knew inside that it wasn't the right moment. So, we threw our hands in the air after I was bitten and Eliot refused the other side after waiting thirty more minutes. I gave him some formula. Five minutes and three and a half ounces later? Out. For twenty minutes. He was so hungry, but too impatient with me.

I really want to breastfeed for six months; however, when I see him suck those ounces down (he takes about seven ounces in a sitting before bed), I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I can't keep up and he won't barely try anymore. Our plan is for me to pump as much as possible so he can use the fast nipples. I need to change my attitude about that pump and fast.

Eliot just keeps on growing and changing in new ways that amaze me every day. His four-month appointment went really well with great numbers. 90-95 percentile for height and 50-75 percentile for weight. No wonder his pants are too short yet the next size up are too large in the waist. Longgg and skinny.

The only issue really is his sleep, but it is more of a concern for me than Eliot. Since we're breastfeeding, I have to bear the brunt of Eliot's four, six, sometimes eight party sessions every night. And I'm horrible at falling asleep to begin with, so I doubt that I am getting more than an hour of sleep at a time--if even. The doctor warned us that long-term sleep deprivation like this can lead to psychosis. I'm feeling OK, but Eliot is four months old, afterall, so we decided to give the formula a try. However, I am still breastfeeding. This is just to supplement before bedtime.

His doctor gave us a sample container of formula with "added rice" so I don't have to worry about adding cereal to his milk and him choking or something. The "added rice" is ground up, but hits the stomach the same way. Something like that. Some people start on solids at four months, so we thought he could handle the change. Plus, it will help prepare him for solids in the coming months.

We tried giving it to him as his last feeding before bed. The first night, he only took a sip because he was tired. The second night, he spit it all out (not up, but drooled it out) the whole time. He just wasn't into it. Tonight, though, I used a different bottle. I had tried his glass bottles at first, but tonight we went with his Playtex drop-ins. Success! However, we waited too late *again* and he only drank about an ounce before falling asleep. I suppose it is better, though, so he can ease into just having a sip and then an ounce instead of forcing, say, four ounces down. I hope that it helps because, man, I'd love to get some sleep.

It has been a really good week and it is only Tuesday. Yesterday, we got some really great news about Chris's job. I don't think anyone reads this, and the job is official, so I suppose it won't hurt to post this. Some quick background information: Christopher and I are both adjunct English professors who more or less teach a full load. I usually teach five classes a semester (including summers) and Chris is assigned about seven. However, as adjuncts, our positions are "non-contractual"--or need-based. At the same time, all of the online professors are adjuncts, so there is continually a big need. So, our jobs are not technically the most secure, but the reality is that we will most likely receive our usual load. There is a contractual position, though, called an Instructional Mentor, which is the supervisor of a team of professors. I have an IM. Chris has an IM. The IM answers questions, evaluates professors once a year, and holds professors accountable for keeping up their grading. This position is contractual. IMs also can teach up to five courses a subterm (or fifteen courses a semester and ten in the summer). And Chris was promoted to an IM yesterday. He starts July 1st.

This is great news for us. I feel such a relief that he will have a contract. We always received our load as expected, but there was always this linger thought in my mind that it isn't promised. However, as an IM, Chris now has that security. What a relief indeed! It is a great step for him career-wise as well. I'm so excited for him!

In other news, I ordered a couple of baby food "cookbooks" today. I have been planning to make Eliot's baby food myself for some time. While I'm sure pureeing some carrots isn't that complicated, I am looking forward to seeing what sorts of interesting combinations they have and what other tips are included in the books. The one also has recipes and meal ideas for toddlers based on growing and changing nutritional needs, so it should be helpful. As silly as it sounds, most of my parenting anxiety revolves around nutrition. I was so very worried about breastfeeding, so I ordered a La Leche League book and felt much better after reading it. And breastfeeding has gone beautifully well. Then I started feeling overwhelmed when thinking of the transition to solids. What is the correct balance of milk to food? And how do you change over? So many people that I see start on solids around four months. Eliot will be four months in just 11 days. However, our doctor said firmly not to start any solids at all until six months. It is confusing, but I think that these books will help to assure me that I will be able to figure out the right transition at the right time for Eliot and he won't be deficient in any sort of mineral area or anything.

Eliot's sleeping just keeps getting worse, it seems. He is up about six times a night. I was bad and let him sleep in bed with us the past two nights. So that was two nights in the crib and then two with us. He doesn't demand to sleep with us or anything. It is just easier on me. And his number of times getting up seems to be the same either way. The subject of formula came up again because Chris is getting woken up a bit too, which isn't good for his work schedule. He went in later today than he had hoped because he was so tired. My sleep doesn't matter too much because I don't have anywhere to go. Anyway, we might start giving him a bottle of formula before bed once he hits four months. As I said before, I planned to breastfeed for six months, but had always been very open to (and almost planning on) supplementing with formula before bedtime to help with sleep. Six times a night is just too much. Maybe it is four month sleep regression, but he never fully "recovered" from his three-month growth spurt (which came a couple of weeks early). Before that, he only got up TWICE a night. What is with this six thing?

Kimmy is coming this weekend to celebrate her birthday with a camping trip. I've been trying to get things in order. Today I cleaned Mr. Rufus's cage, did some dishes, did three loads of laundry, cleaned the toilet upstairs (yep, just the toilet), tidied up Eliot's room, and tried to organize some bills. Seriously. Stray papers will be my downfall. I have a system for the important items, but it is hard to maintain with so much junk mail!

Eliot has been the craziest ball of energy ever since he rolled over. He always wants to be jumping, rolling, kicking, or swimming through the air. It is also getting more difficult to encourage him to "nap" when he is tired. I put nap in quotations because he is such a cat napper. He will (or would) get tired, sleep for about ten minutes, and then be up and ready to play--and no longer cranky. Now, though, the cranks come a little, but he just will not sleep for a while.

We meant to go swim at the Y today. Eliot loves to splash in the pool. However, he was in and out of nap world when Chris got home. Then when he seemed ready to play, I pointed out that he hadn't pooped all day. I worried about him going in the pool. Well, here we are at 8:00 pm and still no poop. I'm not worried or anything--some breastfed babies only poop once a week at this age. Anyway, it might have been a good thing that we stayed back because we had a few thunderstorms come and go. I think we had a tornado warning at one point....

This weekend, I am really looking forward to relaxing some. Just some. :) We spent pretty much all last week with family, so it will be nice to have some "us" time.

We had another great weekend with family for Easter. Eliot did beautifully in the car (one stop to feed and no tears or fussing aside from that one time when he told us he was hungry). It was nice to see everyone again.

Eliot has been getting closer and closer to rolling over, so when we got home, we bought a rug for the den. I kept saying that he'd do it in a week, but he did it within two days! I couldn't believe how fast he progressed. This morning, Eliot and I were playing in bed while Chris got ready for work. I said, "Chris! He's doing it! Oh wait. He's not. Oh! He did!" Fortunately, Chris ran in just in time to see him.

Every time I walk by the drawer in the kitchen that holds my birth control, I worry. I worry if I have taken it. And I always have. I never miss a pill and always take it on time. Even after reassuring myself, I still worry. It's not that having another baby now would be bad, just more convenient later. And some paper work from the insurance company looked like my maternity rider won't kick in for another three months since there is a six-month waiting period--even though I have been paying for it consistently for almost four years and never canceled it. If that were the case, I think we could fight it. But still. I worry. If by chance I do become pregnant before we plan another baby, I would consider it to be a tremendous blessing and would be so very happy and thankful. So why do I worry so much?

This was Eliot and I after trying to get everything done on that list in the previous entry on the day Chris's parents came in. Gotta grab every second of potential sleep!

Chris's parents' visit was great. His mom finally got to see Eliot (it had been almost two months!), we got to meet Elizabeth's boyfriend, and Elizabeth was able to spend some time with her future roommates at Liberty. I'm actually kind of jealous that Elizabeth already has established some great friendships in college and she hasn't even started! I never really "fit in" at Longwood. Something about not being into drinking or field parties...

Here is Eliot and grandma Robinson

During their visit, they helped us load up a new bench into the Caddy to set outside. Chris and I have been looking at outside benches for almost two years, but we couldn't fit one in the Jeep because of the carseat. So now we have a place to sit outside! I must say that our front yard is looking better and better. We might get some matching chairs for the other side of the front stoop. Eliot loves to sit outside and stare up at the cherry tree. Either his jaw simply drops or he looks so serious the whole time. It's so funny. I'm so glad that he loves the outdoors.

We have another busy weekend coming up! We're heading to Chesapeake TODAY. I should be doing laundry. I should be eating lunch (forget breakfast!). But I just need a breather. And Eliot just woke up from his twenty-minute nap. I love that baby! I'm so happy to see him. :)

So, here is what I need to do today before we leave:
Pack my and Chris's bag.
Pack Eliot's bag.
Set up the cat and rabbit food.
Fold Eliot's laundry.
Dry and fold our darks.
Gas up the Jeep.

Not too bad! I have four hours.

I knew kids tend to fight sleep, but I never realized how much a baby could try to stay awake so hard and so early! Eliot may be rubbing both heavy eyes, but he'll do all he can to keep kicking and stay awake. This baby hatesss to nap and rarely does.

We had a fun day yesterday. I took Eliot and Abed-nego for a long walk down Rivermont--maybe the longest walk I've been on in a while. When we got back, Eliot had dozed off for a few minutes, so I called Liberty to sign up for my doctoral comprehensive exam this summer. Once completed, that will put me in the dissertation stage and officially a "doctoral candidate." I'm pretty excited. :) Eliot woke up half-way through the phone call (I told you he doesn't nap!), but a paci was able to keep him from crying until I got off the phone--and I was only on the phone for 8 minutes and 41 seconds.

Afterward, I grabbed a bottled IBC cherry limeade from the fridge and sat on the front stoop with Eliot. He loves to look up at the trees and I love cherry limeades. Haha! It was too pretty of a day to stay inside. Eliot wanted to eat, so we went inside and I called my mom when he was finished.

It doesn't sounds like a lot, but all of that with also eating lunch (always a challenge) got me through the day until Chris came home. I have more things on my "to do" list, so today needs to be a little more productive, a little less fun, but at least I signed up for the comps and went for a walk, right?

Before Chris's parents come on Sunday I need to:
Grade Engl 100C and submit final grades.
Grade Engl 100A and my two Engl 100Ds as well.
Create my Educ 758 group discussion board.
Create and reply to my Educ 758 whole class discussion board.
Write my text chapter summaries for Educ 758.
Write my project for Educ 758.
Organize all the dang mail on the dining room table.
Sweep sweep sweep all the time.
Wash some sheets.
Go to--I mean send Chris--to the grocery store.
Probably do some laundry.
Hopefully plant some flowers.
Mow--I mean have Chris mow--the lawn.
Call insurance company and ask why they aren't covering any of Eliot's pediatrician bills.

Eh. Not so much fun. I need to get to some serious work today and tonight. It's just hard to do schoolwork with Eliot around.

Eliot did great with his shots yesterday. He took a couple of naps and then was up and ready to play by the time Chris got home from work. I'm so thankful that Chris has been able to go with me to every single OB appointment and also all of Eliot's pediatrician appointments.

Eliot is sleeping in some. He wakes up with the sun, babbling. Then it changes to whining. He wants some company. Then he'll fall back to sleep and sleep until 9:00 or 10:00 am. Right now, he is laying in bed next to me, sucking on a phantom paci. Ah. It's so funny to watch his mouth move when nothing is there.

I'm still tired. Ha. Maybe I should go back to sleep with Eliot too.

Today is either going to be awesomely easy or very difficult. Eliot got his second round of vaccines today. Last time, he slept all day, but these are different vaccines, so who knows how he'll react. As I sat in the room reading over the handout noting all of his possible reactions, I just wanted to get out of there. The risk with vaccines is so so low, especially when compared to what they are preventing, but it is scary to see what could happen.

He screamed and cried, of course, but only for a minute. Then he was all smiles. Fell asleep in the car... and now an hour later, he is babbling in the bassinet with his legs in the air. He's such a special little guy.

We joined the Y yesterday and thought of taking him to the pool today. After remembering that he'd be getting vaccines, we're putting it off until tomorrow. I can't wait to see how he reacts. He enjoys bathtime, so maybe he won't hate it. Haha! Gotta start early. Yesterday I assured him that he already knew how to swim instinctively, so if we just keep practicing, he'll never forget. The Y here has a big, indoor family pool, so I'm excited to swim year-round.

Also this past weekend, Eliot completely figured out the jumparoo. I suppose the growth spurt paid off (and he is sleeping like normal again, getting up about three times a night), and he can touch the ground with his feet to jump jump jump. He really gets into it. It's just hilarious.

On Sunday, we really needed some fun. I had a horrible headache allll Saturday and did nothing. Usually Sundays are filled with grading and schoolwork, but we put it off some. We went shopping where I used the sling for the first time outside of the house. Eliot did well. Just drooled a lot. Ha. But it worked. That car carrier is getting too heavy to tote around everywhere, even if it does go on the cart. Anyway, we went to Old Navy to buy some shorts for myself, but they didn't have my size. Instead, we bought a couple of outfits for Eliot because they were all 40% off to make room for their new summer line, I suppose.

Then over to Target where I DID get shorts. These were the first two pairs of shorts I have gotten since middle school. Yep, middle school. I have always worn these long shorts that cut off right before my knee since I was 13. The same ones. For 11 years. I feel weird in shorts. I also got some Mederma stretch mark cream. I wouldn't have got it on my own because it was kind of expensive, but Chris said I should just get it if I wanted it. I only got stretch marks on my upper thighs and refuse to wear a regular bathing suit because of it. Instead, I ordered a pair of board shorts. Which is fine. But if I can get the marks to fade some, that'd be awesome. They're still red. ...I still don't understand why I got them THERE and no where else, but if I had to get them, I'd rather them be there than my tummy.

Speaking of vanity, I'm slightly below my pre-pregnancy weight, but just not feeling the same. I didn't expect to all the way. I know the weight is placed differently now. And I felt like I looked great for having a baby a month ago and then two months ago and maybe even three months ago, but I worry that this standard won't be good enough in the coming months. I worry that this extra around my waist is too much to be "good for x months"--you fill in the blank. So, I've done some crunches and some squats and yadda yadda. I just don't know what works. I've never really been happy with my stomach, so how do I tone up? The number on the scale isn't enough. Simply losing weight is too vague. I need to work specific areas, but I'm not sure how. I guess joining the Y will help with that.

Eliot has been doing all right in the sleep world. He generally falls asleep around 8:30 pm or 9:00 pm. Up somewhere between 1:30 am and 2:30 am for a feeding. From there, he has been good about only getting up four times-ish the past two nights. I guess "good" is a relative term.

He ate tonight at 1:30 am. So why am I still sitting here at 2:13 am feeling so incredibly lonely?

Life has been busy busy busy. Christopher's grandmother spent some time in the hospital due to a broken hip. Now she is back doing rehab at her senior living community, but it has been rough for her--and I don't think she is too happy with most things right now. So, that has been hard. Chris's dad and sister have been in town the past few days too to visit his grandmother. The company has been nice, but a little less time for yard work and such.

Eliot's suspected growth spurt seems to continue. He hit an all-time sleep insanity on Sunday night (I think it was Sunday night). He had been waking up on the hour just starving. That night he woke up on the HALF hour--which means no one really slept at all. Chris was pushed as far as he could go and mentioned possibly giving Eliot formula. However, I pointed out that we're probably on the tail end of the growth spurt (if that is what it is) and so the worst should be over. Why give up now? Anyway, ever since, he has only gotten up about five times a night. As I type "only," I am reminded that we had him down to just two snacks a night. Oi. He'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. Will he ever sleep through the night? I mean, it's fine that he isn't, but five times is still a lot.

Maybe it isn't. Oh well. At least Chris has gotten back to being able to sleep through it all. I don't mind being the one to get up with Eliot every time. I mean, what would be the point in waking Chris up? He can't nurse. And he has to work in the morning: I don't. So, it really isn't a big deal.

Yesterday after lunch, we took a trip to Target to pick up a few things. And just because I hadn't gotten out in a while. We decided to get Eliot some new jeans since his 0-3 month jeans are beyond too small. I went ahead and got him 6 month jeans, which are just ever so slightly too large. I think he thinned out a little because he grew longer, so the jeans are just a little big in the waist now. He is also wearing a 6 month shirt right now, which looks great. So cute. Man. As I said, he'll be 12 weeks tomorrow and getting into those 6 month clothes. What a big boy!

It is funny... On Tuesday, Elizabeth and I watched Eliot in his jumparoo. He wasn't too, too into it and his tippy toes barely touched. The NEXT DAY, he was so much more into it, jumping by himself, and his toes touched the ground much easier. Whaaat? These babies really do grow over night.

A year ago today, I didn't take my Sunday pill. The next day, I didn't take my Monday pill. Or Tuesday. I hadn't gotten my prescription re-filled because we decided to start trying for a baby. Honestly, we were thinking of waiting another month, but we didn't. We were too impatient. We had been planning out Baby since the previous Thanksgiving. Seventeen days later (I'm pretty sure), Eliot was conceived. And now he is chewing on his hand, making all kinds of cute faces and noises. I couldn't be more thankful for such a sweet boy. I'm excited to go through it all over again in a couple of years or so. I wonder all the time if Eliot will have a brother or sister, if they will look similar, and how they will interact. But for now I'll concentrate on my little boy as an only child. :) He has so much to teach me.

Night five in a row of scattered sleep. If it is a growth spurt, hopefully it will be ending soon. His three month clothes sure are getting tighter. It feels like he just got into them! My mom got him some 6-9 month outfits for Easter. I wouldn't be surprised if they fit by then.

I really wish I had some "mom" friends here. Not just for me, but for Eliot as he grows older. I'm not feeling so social these days. I'm not sure if that is a good thing.

As I'm getting through these rainy days, I'm trying to hype myself up about the outdoor activities that summer will bring. For some reason, this winter has hit me harder than others. Maybe it is because it seems to be dragging on. Maybe it is because I had a baby, which might have added some "baby blues" in there as well. But summer will be fun.

I'm planning backpacking adventures in my head. With a baby? Well, we'll give it a try. First we will try camping without the hike at Panther Falls. If that goes well, we'll try backpacking. See, it sounds crazy, but I got to thinking. What would be so different? What would make it complicated? Mostly obviously, we'll have to carry Eliot, so we'll get a baby carrier. This means whoever isn't carrying Eliot (I assume Chris will) will have to carry more gear in the other backpack. But we won't go for more than one night, we will just need the usual essentials: tent, sleeping bags, water, and so on. I think we can handle it.

Then there is the challenge of food. If I'm still able to breastfeed (which I don't see why not), then we have that covered. Sure, we will begin introducing solids at six months, but that won't be until mid-July. Then there are diapers. Well, with breastfeeding, his diapers are not that unpleasant. We'll just bring along one of those scented bags to toss them in. Plus, at this point, his poopy diapers are slowing down.

OK, then. What about sleep? Well, what about it? Eliot loves loves loves to sleep in bed with us. And so I imagine he'll take to sharing a sleeping bag with me quite well. I don't roll in my sleep at all and I'm a very light sleeper, so co-sleeping (though we try to avoid it) has worked well on nights when I prefer to nurse Eliot laying down and then we fall asleep together that way. I know co-sleeping isn't suggested by many people, but sometimes it is too sweet to pass up. I confess that sometimes I bring him to bed when he isn't even asking for it, just because I want to be close to him.

I think we're covered on all ends. The only problem is see is a six-month catch 22. The manufacturer doesn't suggest using the child carriers until they are six months old. Well, all right. But. At six months, we'll be introducing solids, making his poop smell more and also complicating my breastfeeding fast food simplicity. Darn. Honestly, I think he'll be fine in the carrier a little earlier than six months. And when we introduce solids, it won't be like that is allll he eats all the time. And even if he did, well, baby food isn't so hard to carry along. It will just go in the bear bag too. :)

So, those are my excessive reasonings about backpacking with a baby and why it just might work. I think we might go check our local hiking store tonight to see if they have an inexpensive carrier. I found ones I like online, but I'd rather support local businesses when I have the option.

p.s. This marks four nights in a row that Eliot has continued to get up frequently. Last night it was six times. It feels like the first month all over again. Gotta be a growth spurt, right? I hope so!

I feel like Eliot is going through a growth spurt. He has to be. Has to be! He is eating all the time, not just every two hours. And he is waking up a lot more during the night. This is the third night in a row that he has gotten up more than four times. Usually it is just two. And it's not like he naps a lot during the day. I'll get two or three twenty-minute naps at the most, but nothing I can count on. Just enough time to throw some lunch together. I suppose he is about two weeks early for the three-month growth spurt, but I guess every baby is different.

I'm glad I quit work when I did. It looks like I would have had to have gone full-time. And I really didn't realize how stressed I was about pumping until I didn't have to all the time. I need to work on doing it just to build up a supply and give him is vitamins, but, man, it was so frustrating. I'm much happier at home with my baby and so thankful that Chris completely supported my decision.

Maybe it's the weather, but I'm feeling kind of bummed these days. I have a lot of grading and schoolwork to do. And I can't ever seem to organize our bedroom. No time. Eliot is always awake and wanting to be held. If not, he's in the jumparoo, which is just a little bit big, so I have to keep an eye on him. And that never lasts long. So, I may be at home, but I don't have a lot of time to get things done and I certainly don't go "out". I feel claustrophobic and antsy. I did organize the pantry yesterday, washed and dried a load, and cleaned the kitty litter. Today, I answered a lot of emails, talked to my mom, and made some car appointments. Chris and I have been going on walks too, which helps me get out of the house some. Maybe I just need to make a list of things to get done each day. Maybe that will make me feel better.

Chris is back to work today. I almost forgot things like that happen after our first super long weekend together. Man, it is great! We get to have fun on Friday, get down to business with school work and grading on Saturday and Sunday, and then do whatever on Monday.

Yesterday we had one of the best days together in a while. It was bright and sunny, but not that warm yet. I slept in because Eliot kept me up all night. Chris went on a run while I showered and got ready for the day. Then we had lunch at Panera followed by a trip to Target to pick up a few things. On the way home, Chris bought me a frap because my salad and mac'n'cheese just didn't fill me up--I had skipped breakfast and we didn't get to Panera until 2pm.

We stopped by the house real quick so Chris could run in and grab my running shoes and the dog. Then off to Blackwater Creek for a thirty minute walk! Man, I am so very out of shape because I'm all sore just from that. I guess I was pushing a stroller too, but come onnn! I stopped exercising about the third trimester and it has been so cold lately--too cold for baby walks. So, time to get back in shape for all of those hikes this summer.

Here I am pushing the stroller and walking Abed-nego. He's a silly walker and has to be up front. Usually he walks a little more normal, but he didn't like that Chris ran ahead to take our picture.

Then we went home and I took some photos of Chris and Eliot by the cherry tree. I love it when it blossoms. I actually caught a shot of Eliot smiling. We haven't been able to get that before! I just love this picture of the two of them and will probably spend all day staring at it.

I edited photos in bed and then around 7:30 pm, Chris went to get sushi with his friends, Dallas and Andrew. Eliot fell asleep around 8:00 pm, so I had no clue what to do with myself. I answered some student emails, played on the computer, and then just sat around. Chris came home around 11:00 pm since they had dessert at Dallas's apartment. Then off to bed. And then Eliot woke up five times throughout that night. Oh man! I had hoped that he'd be getting closer to sleeping through the night, not further away, but I think it i because he is falling asleep so early. He used to stay up until at least 10:00 pm. Oh well. At least he will sleep in bed with me until around 9:30 am.

Christopher is off on a "gentlemen's night" or whatever getting sushi with two friends. If it is for guys only, why didn't he take Eliot? I'm only joking, of course. I'm sure he would have if I had asked, but I'd rather keep Eliot close with me in case he needs to eat.

People always say the most horrifying things about having children. Chris and I talk of this frequently because they had gotten us a little scared. Maybe it is just my family that is so negative--namely my grandmother. I have so many memories of terrible things she would say about my sister's doom when she was pregnant. When Chelse was pregnant with Sydney, I bought a chinchilla. My grandmother came over and looked at it and said, "This is the kind of baby to have." This was following many months of, "She doesn't know what she is getting into," and "A baby changes everything. Nothing will ever be the same. Your life changes forever," and many head shakes followed by "Mmm mmm mmm." I felt horrible for my sister that my grandmother was always so negative about having children, and it worried me about starting my own family. In fact, when I found out I was pregnant after a month of trying, my grandmother was the only person I was worried about telling just because I knew she has always had such a weird view of pregnancy. Well, in the end, my grandmother loves Sydney, but she also loves drama, so I think she said all of those things for the sake of getting emotional.

Anyway, other people would say similar things. They'd say that the newborn stage is just so difficult. And you will never be so tired in your life. And you had better sleep when the baby sleeps because you'll never sleep again. And it will never be the same. When I found out I was having a boy, the nurse said, "Oh, your trouble is just beginning." I grew so fed up with all of the negativity and the horror stories about difficult pregnancies, nightmare birth stories, and just how much of a curse the newborn stage was. Everyone just wants to get their two cents in and since I hadn't been through it yet, no amount of positive responses could shut out the "Well, you just don't know" conclusions.

Because of all of this, Chris and I were a little scared, but confident that we could rise to the challenge. Now that Eliot is two and a half months old, I can say that the newborn stage was not that bad. And neither was giving birth. I was TERRIFIED. But it was OK! And, yeah, Eliot has made sleep lacking, but I have adjusted. And, yeah, Eliot is always around and we have to consider him before we go anywhere, but our lives have always been so baby-friendly (I mean that we don't ever go anywhere a baby can't anyway, like clubs or bars or anything) that we just kind of bring him along. Sometimes he fusses when he needs to eat, but I've managed to feed him in public a couple of times without feeling too awkward and I can just run to the car too.

And maybe what frustrates me more than anything is when someone asks, "So, are things more difficult than you thought or less?" and I respond, "Less!" then they say, "Oh, well, things change. He'll change every few days." Why is it not acceptable to say that I don't feel stressed out? And I don't feel this insane burden that is a baby? And instead I absolutely love every minute of it, even when he wakes up six times a night for no apparent reason like last night? Sure, there are more tough moments, but it has not been that hard.

I also have been growing quite irritated with negativity regarding breastfeeding. Eliot eats more often since he is exclusively breastfed. Every two hours. And he usually wakes up twice a night because he is breastfed. I happily sacrifice that sleep and perhaps the slight inconvenience of having to feed him more often so that he can be exclusively breastfed. It works for us. It doesn't work for everyone, but it does for us. And if someone else prefers not to breastfeed for any reason, that is fine, but it is important to me to keep on trying to meet my six month goal. However, someone ignores that it is ME making the sacrifices and not them, that Eliot is happy with a full tummy and is growing great and the doctors are happy, and that my husband is so incredibly supportive. They ignore all of that and say not only should I give him formula, but I should also put rice in it simply so that Eliot will go longer between feedings. Well, that's just insensitive because I have tried so hard and I'm the one who is dealing with it all, not them. As I told Chris, I don't want an award for breastfeeding (though I appreciate it so much when Chris tells me that he is proud of me--and he does frequently), but I do want to NOT be told that I should stop by someone who isn't even involved in the process.

I don't know why I felt the need to type all of that. I guess I've just been thinking about it. And brooding.

Eliot is sprawled out in his bassinet while I sit in bed grading. All of my classwork is done, just gotta finish up grading my Engl 100 students' work for the week. Sunday nights are always late, but I am relieved to not be going into work early tomorrow morning or tomorrow at all or any other day either. And I am kind of proud of myself for this week's school work. It is the first class I've taken since Eliot has been born. Not that long ago, but still it is always hard to adjust with a new routine. For a while there, I had Eliot laying across my lap, the laptop balancing on my knees, as I stretched over him to type. It was all a comical image, I'm sure, but Chris rescued me as he took a break from his work.

Yesterday when we went to see Chris's grandma, we made a stop at Starbucks on the way. I sat in the backseat with Eliot (who had begun to cry) in the parking lot as Chris ran in to get a coffee. I put his paci back in his mouth and he stared at me with those eyes. Those Christopher eyes. I offered my finger and held on tight.

As silly as it sounded, I whispered, "I'll always be here to hold your hand, Baby." And with a pause and a quite thought, I added, "There will come a day when you won't want me to hold your hand anymore, but I'll still be here." And it's true; I know he won't want to be a mama's boy forever and I'm sure he'll be so incredibly embarrassed by my overly-nurturing tendencies.

But I hope that everything I can give to him will make him into a happy, strong, healthy boy with a compassionate, generous heart that grows angry when he sees injustice. I'm thankful that he will see his father so willing to give. I've seen him give complete strangers food, gas for their cars, bus tickets, twenty dollar bills, and so on and then pray with them. I hope Eliot will grow to have that same heart.

Today has been uneventful, yet it has felt busy. Eliot continues to get up twice a night, which is manageable. After he woke up for the day, we spent the morning giggling and cuddling in bed. Then Chris and I took turns showering. We planned to all go to the grocery store because I haven't been in three months and Eliot has never been, but then he fell asleep, so I stayed behind.

Later, we headed over to Chris's aunt and uncle's house to visit his grandmother. She just loves that baby. Chris's aunt confirmed that Eliot has teeth buds showing in his gums, so I know I'm not nuts. I know those things looked like teeth, but couldn't find anyyyything online matching the description.

We weighed Eliot the other day. Twelve and a half pounds. He seems to gain a steady half a pound a week, which is great. He is ten weeks now!

So now we're expecting snow tonight. I was hoping today could be a little adventurous, but it was quite chilly. Tomorrow I suppose we'll stay in and work on school work. :)

I am so glad to NOT be worrying about work come Monday. I feel so more at ease. And, you know, it might really be needed since I am taking a class now. This is a new challenge to attempt to strike a balance with Eliot.

On to the next baby adventure to figure out. I am confused about teething. See, I know Eliot is a little young for it, but he has been drooling and eating his fist a lot. And when I look at his upper gums, it is like I can see his teeth beneath the gums--not like they're breaking through, but like they're IN his gums and I can see their indentations or are protruding or something. It is so hard to explain and I can't find anything similar online (either that or their explanations of appearance are just as odd as mine), and my sister didn't know what I was talking about. Ahhh! Are they just coming down and not cutting through yet?

Anyway, I bought Eliot a jumparoo today. :) I picked one out at Target online. $100 at Babies R Us. $75 on sale at Target. Chris loved it too, but I thought I'd try a consignment shop first. Well, we found the same one for $40 and it was just a little dusty. We brought it hope and Eliot didn't really know what to do. His tippy toes barely touch. Haha! But I wasn't expecting him to be quite ready for it yet or to take off jumping. I know he'll get it eventually. Just not yet. :) I was glad to save some money, though. And Eliot's favorite position lately is being bounced on a knee, so maybe the jumparoo will be good for that.

What a crazy 24 hours! Last night I started getting a bad headache. Like a baseball bat to the face kind of bad. I knew it'd be the kind that lingers and that the next day would be bad. Well, it was bad. I felt certain that I was going to throw up, but I didn't. I think it was worse because I stressed myself out with "life" things. Taxes--we owe $3,000. School--course work to do tonight and also trying to figure out my schedule. Work--that conflict was just resolved.

Chris stayed home until around 12:30 pm so I could take a Benadryl and rest while he watched Eliot. Then he went off to work. Bad call. On the way home, he was rear-ended. Again. At the same spot. He would have been driving the Golf, but it was being inspected (and had a few things to be repaired in order to pass). Instead, it was the Jeep. May I remind you that Chris was rear-ended in the Golf about a month and a half ago. It hasn't been fixed yet because the guy was trying to dodge insurance. Now we have to get both straight.

There are things I want to buy, but I keep putting them off, especially now that we paid our taxes and all. I want to get Eliot a jumparoo thing, but, eh, maybe it is best to wait another month or so. He probably can't use it now anyway.

But everyone was safe, so all is well.

Eliot has been so sweet for me today. He slept in bed with me all day after Chris left. And now he is laying on the couch, kicking, and making little noises. He doesn't want to be held; he is too busy playing. I love that baby.

I'm looking forward to a FOUR-day weekend with Chris and noooo work to follow for me on Monday. Man.

Sometimes I wonder if God prepares your heart for what is coming without you realizing it. Or maybe you feel something important stirring, but aren't brave enough to take the plunge, so to say, and He more or less makes it so you have to. Such has been the situation at work.

I quit my grad assistant job today in the School of Ed. I'm still working from home as an English professor.

Work has been such a struggle--and I don't mean just emotionally. I've gone on and on about my pumping challenges. And a 10-hour day is quite draining when going off of little sleep. Now there are HR conflicts with paperwork. My department wants to keep me, but I guess HR is saying part-time won't be an option beyond May. I personally can't do full-time. I just can't and Chris doesn't want me to. So, I was just working for a scholarship. For one class. So why keep on all stressed out every week if I won't be able to stay anyway?

The good news is that I will be paying for a lot less credits than I thought. One class in the summer, the comprehensive exams are free, and then one class per semester for dissertation research. Before I was under the impression that it was double, so it really is not much money at all.

This means I'm officially a work at home mom. No more office time. And I'm really relieved.

My legs hurt "like they do sometimes." That's the description I've been giving for fourteen years. Ever since I was at least ten, my legs will occasionally ache horribly. Nothing makes it better and I just say that they hurt "like they do sometimes" and everyone in my family knows what I'm referring to. I'm a medical mystery. I've been to multiple doctors, had x rays, and so on. No one knows why, but it seems to go with the weather--and it rained yesterday. At the same time, it seems to be a muscle issue. I don't know. But they hurt horribly today, so I'm staying home from work.

We had a really awesome weekend in Chesapeake. Eliot finally met three of my friends (Truly, Kimmy, and Sara). We took him to the beach. We hung out with family. And then we came home to a night of Chris finishing up his grading.

Sometimes you take a photo and you know it will be a family classic. You know that you and others will look back on it years and years later fondly. "Remember the first time we took him to the beach?" That is going to be wrapped up in this photo. And I've taken a lot of photos that I have been proud of over the years--ones that are better than this--but for some reason the fact that there are now three of us instead of two seems to make a big difference. Everything was special before, but now it is more special, more important. I guess with Eliot I feel like I'm building family history. I guess I feel like I'm laying the ground work for later Robinsons. Like one day Eliot will point to this picture when he is older and tell his kids, "That is me and my dad." And I hope he is filled with a sense of love, appreciation, and nostaglia because that Chris is the proudest, most loving dad that I could have ever imagined for my baby.

Today I...

.folded and put away the towels
.dried and put away the blankets
.washed, dried, and put away almost all of Eliot's 3-6 month wardrobe
.packed Eliot's bag
.finished packing my and Christopher's bag
.packed up the camera
.finally threw away the huge box the bumbo came in
.cleaned the cat litter
.cleaned the rabbit litter
.ate breakfast AND lunch
.swept the den, dining room, and kitchen
.cleaned out the fridge a little (just a little)
.put together and away Eliot's recently sterilized bottles
.wrote a note for Chris's aunt on how to take care of Neko and Mr. Rufus

All that while keeping Eliot happy. I don't know how how how, but it worked out. Chris gets off work in fifteen minutes! He's bringing me a salad for late lunch/early dinner--I know I said I already had lunch, but it was just a sandwich and I'm still hungry. :) All that is left is to eat when Chris gets home, put up the lap top, hide the house key, grab some shoes, feed Eliot one more time, and put these few bags in the car. And we're off!

I think Chris will be home in about four hours and then we'll be ready to get on the road. I haven't looked forward to a trip this much in a long time. I haven't been home since the beginning of October--five and a half months ago. And the last time I went out of town at all was at the end of October when we went Woodbridge to see Chris's parents. So, yeah. I need to get out. :)

I might be a little crazy, but I've been thinking about baby number two ever since Eliot was born. Not planning one out yet at all, yet just thinking about the future. I'm on a breastfeeding-friendly birth control and, heck, I don't think our maternity rider will kick in again for another three months (which really doesn't seem fair). I love Eliot so much and during the first week, I thought to myself, "I want to always have a baby around." I've always kind of wanted three kids, but Chris has always said two, or maybe just one. I guess I was the youngest of two and used to beg my mom for a younger brother or sister. I remember sitting in a play tent in my room when I was about eight and realizing that it just was never going to happen--I would never be a big sister. I went crying to my mom and she just said, "Nope. Sorry." As it turns out, she said she kind of always wanted a third too, even into her forties, but didn't want to "start over" again.

Then I think back to pregnancy and giving birth. The whole process was nerve wracking. We were both always worrying if Eliot was OK, if he was growing right, if the delivery would go smoothly, and so on. Parts of it were also very uncomfortable. I remember sitting in the bathroom feeling nauseous and thinking, "I don't know if I want to do this again." I remember throwing up at work and then a supervisor asking me in the hall to take on a project, which I was happy to help with, but felt awkward all teary-eyed and confessing, "No, I'm not crying. I just threw up." The whole last month I hurt the whole time. And I was blessed with an EASY pregnancy and delivery. What if the next one is hard? And, as selfish as this sounds, what if the weight doesn't come off so easily next time?

Chris and I talked about these things too. The truth is that I would go through all of that a hundred more times just for Eliot. He is an amazing, precious blessing. So, wouldn't I feel the same again? It is all definitely worth it. And I already have names picked out too. Quentin for a boy (this was our second choice name for Eliot) or Olivia for a girl (again, this was our name for Eliot had he been a girl). I want to use those names! And fast before anyone else steals them!

Anyway, so this commercial came on tv when it was on mute and Chris was out of the room. I only half-watch tv because, bleh, I'm just not into tv. I was thinking, "Ah, man. We gotta have three kids. Two boys and a girl would be awesome." Later, it came on again and I wasn't paying attention. Chris sighed and said, "If you could tell me we'd have more boys, I'd say let's have five kids. Our own team!" I guess that commercial, as cheesy as it was, really got us--only it sold us more kids, not life insurance. Haha! What holds me back is the thought of having a two and a half or three-year-old and a newborn at the same time. Or a six-year-old, three-year-old, and a newborn. Man. Plus, we'd need a bigger house! And a bigger car! And what about saving for college? We're trying to start now for Eliot. How difficult would it be to pay for three? What if I can't give enough love, attention, and support to three children and hinder them? Really, though, it will be a while before we plan out our second, but it is a nice thought.

Circles. We just keep going in circles circles circles. And always the same conclusion when the decision is in our face. Will I ever stop making posts about the same thing with the same logic, questions, frustrations, but with different conclusions? Every time we get close to going through with supplementing with formula before bed, we argue with ourselves and decide to hold off. It is so hard to make the plunge of sorts, so even if it makes things harder on me, it is easier to keep doing more of the same. It is familiar, you know? And Eliot is doing so well being exclusively breastfed.

So! I got a lot done today. Three loads of laundry. Emptied the diaper pail. Brought the trashcan back in. Gave Eliot a bath. I plan to go pack my bag in a few minutes because I think Eliot is asleep for the night--or until 2:30 am and then 4:30 am, 6:30 am, and 8:30 am. Then I'll go to bed to try to get some sleep. Soooo tired.

Eliot is kicking in the bassinet, making all sorts of noises. :)
Liberty is on spring break, which I love. For me, it means better parking at work, no one in the bathrooms, and a calm campus. Yesterday, the staff and GSAs went to lunch, and I went along with Eliot even though I didn't have to work. It was nice to see Chris and get out of the house. Today, I am meeting Chris for lunch again. We usually meet one day out of his work week. And then tomorrow he is getting off early and we're heading down to Chesapeake!

We have a bit to do before then. Chris did the laundry last night that I had intended to do during the day--but, hey, I went to lunch instead. Today I'll do a load of towels. I already cleaned the bathroom a couple of days ago, cleaned the kitchen, and tidied up the dining room and den. I prefer coming home to a clean house. So much less stressful, especially when things will inevitably get cluttered from unpacking.

Speaking of packing, I hope to pack our bags tonight and then just finish up tomorrow morning after Chris and I shower. Maybe I can get the car mostly packed tomorrow while Chris is at work.... I'm probably dreaming. I doubt Eliot would let me do that. :)

I also need to give Eliot a bath. I was cuddling with him yesterday when he spit up allll over both of us. Then at 6:00 am this morning, I was changing him and he managed to pee everywhere just as I was putting the new diaper on. I'm not sure how, but he didn't get it on front. Instead, it was all over his back. How in the world? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he's quite stinky. Maybe I'll bathe him tonight after dinner. Hm.

I'm sure this is all incredibly uninteresting, but I like making myself lists. :)

Another week of work done! Chris suggested that I break my 10 hours up into two days (Mondays and Fridays) if it is getting to be too much, but I'd rather just put my head down and get it all in at once so I can keep our three-day weekends together. We seem to be noticing a pattern with Eliot on my work days. He goes through three bottles while I am away since I am able to feed him at lunch and dinner. Establishing these routines really helps me to relax concerning the whole situation. It is hard when you're trying to prepare for something when you don't know what to expect. I'm feeling better and better as we go along. Maybe part of that is just because another Monday is over. Haha!

As I was putting Eliot in bed last night, he was making all sorts of cute faces, noises, and kicking up a storm. Although I didn't want to tick him off with the flash (he is mostly OK with the flash during the day, but doesn't like it when it is dark), I got some nice shots using just the light coming from our bedside lamp. I'm sure everyone thinks their kids are the cutest, but, man, I really think he is!

I have all sorts of plans for today, most of which probably won't happen. We're heading to Chesapeake on Thursday night, so I'd like to do a lot of laundry to get ready.

Yesterday, we headed over Chris's aunt and uncle's house. His cousin was in town from college and hadn't met Eliot. Also, they had his grandmother over visiting. A big part of me still feels guilty for not having Eliot earlier so his grandfather could meet him. And I feel bad for his grandmother. She has Alzheimer's and seems sad sometimes. And I would be too. But, for some reason, she just loves Eliot. They say she has never been a "baby person," but she always wants to hold him, offers to babysit, and lights up when we bring him around. I'm glad we can give her some of that.

Last night, I got everything ready. I loaded the changing stations with diapers. I set out a bib downstairs and also one upstairs. I filled Eliot's bottles with my milk. I had more than I thought! Five bottles, each with three ounces. That is fifteen ounces! Chris doesn't need me to get everything ready for him--he could do it himself--but it makes me feel better about leaving. Seeing those bottles full puts my mind at ease.

Chris and I have come up with a plan of sorts. I would like to stay home all the time with Eliot--what mom wouldn't?--but one day a week isn't so bad. And I do think this is important bonding time for Eliot and Chris without me around. Anyway, it might not be as difficult if he weren't so young. But we came up with a plan to help ease some of the stress and anxiety that I feel throughout the week about the coming of Monday. Soon we'll start giving Eliot a bottle of formula with his vitamins before bed. Not only will this help his sleep (he woke up four times last night, which is extra difficult for a night before an early morning for work!), but then I can save that extra pumped milk for Mondays. We'll aim to continue to just give him my pumped milk on Mondays, but at least I won't have to stress out as much since he will have already been introduced to formula in case Chris needs an extra bottle for some reason.

I feel so weird about it all. Most of me feels like it is not a big deal. Most of our parents (and Chris) were "formula babies," and so many babies are mostly just formula-fed. And I'm just supplementing. The doctors weren't alarmed when we mentioned considering it. In fact, our one pediatrician recommended it due to his sleep. And he went for two months exclusively breastfed. This will be one bottle a night. And then if I go home to visit my parents and my mom is willing to watch Eliot for a couple of hours for Chris and I to do something, I don't have to fret about bringing extra milk down in a cooler or something. I think all that has me cautious almost is this worry of self-righteousness. I know the hardcore breastfeeding people would tell me to suck it up and get over my selfishness. But, you know, one bottle is not a big deal, and I'm doing it so I'll have the strength to keep giving him my milk during the work day. And maybe I'll be a better mom during the day since I'll be well rested.

By the way, check out my two-month-old GIANT in three-month clothes.

Feeling kind of down today. I guess I just never can get everything done that I want to. There is always more to clean and that task becomes more difficult during the week. Sundays are always oddly hard. After a week of fretting about pumping and trying to squeeze sessions in, I worry if I have done enough. The answer is always a nagging "no".

The reality that I have to go to work tomorrow creeps in. I hate leaving Eliot and thinking of the ounces I labored for being swallowed too quickly and running out. I hate getting the key to the vacant cubicle to pump and self-consciously hoping that no one can hear the "womp womp" of the pump. And listening closely to determine if anyone is around so I can quickly and inefficiently wash my pump and throw it into my bag. Each week gets more difficult, not less, as my mind is beginning to realize that this leaving my baby is a routine that I am establishing, not an exception.

Every Monday morning as I pack my bag, I wonder what I am doing and why. I get a scholarship for this, not a pay check. My paid work is done at home.

The truth is that I have it easy. I work one day. One. For ten hours. And I might be away from Eliot, but he is with Chris. I see them for lunch and Chris brings me dinner. I don't have a thing to complain about. It is still hard, though.

We took Eliot to Panther Falls today. The weather was finally a bit warm and since Eliot is almost two months old (two more days!), we figured it was time to take him off road, find the secret parking lot, and enjoy the water fall. He slept through the entire thing and finally woke up as we were hiking back, but fell back asleep in the car again. Haha! Of course, I didn't expect him to appreciate the trip or even realize what was going on, but I love sharing moments like these with him and Christopher. We're laying the foundation of the childhood of an adventurer. :D

The water was so high! Panther Falls is in between Amherst and Lexington. A couple of days ago, Amherst public schools had a two hour delay due to rain. I can't believe we used to sit in that waterfall. I know it doesn't look that big in the photos because it is so wide, but, man, it is probably fifteen feet tall. Or something. I don't know. People jump from the top rocks into the pool and let's just say that it is so high that I will never be brave enough to take the plunge.

Christopher and Eliot totally match. He always tries to get me to match with him. Now he can force Eliot to match with him and Eliot kind of has no say in it. Haha!

More photos

I'm trying to figure out sleep. Eliot sleeps in a bed-side bassinet that attaches to our bed. However, the way I have to get him out in the night is kind of weird and awkward. I tell Chris that it is like taking an eleven pound turkey out of the oven over and over. When do you move a baby into his own crib? I mean, he is eight weeks old, but I feel like we should wait until he is sleeping more consistently for convenience. Maybe if he were only waking up once? Although, he has been doing a good job of just getting up two, maybe three, times a night. And some people co-sleep foreverrr, it seems. Meh. I don't think I'd get more sleep if he were in his bedroom. I'm sure I'd listen to the monitor all perky-eared and not sleep hardly at all. Plus, going into the nursery to feed and change him will obviously be more tedious. I guess I'll just wait until he is closer to sleeping through the night.

It's 1:51 am. I was hungry. :) We had an early dinner and I haven't eaten since, so midnight snack, I guess.

I have about forty minutes until Eliot will probably wake up to eat. Sooo, here are some photos from today just because.

Eliot's bumbo came in the mail. After a little uncertainty at first, he seems to really like it. See, Eliot loves to look all around and see everything that is going on. Around two weeks, he wouldn't take the laying in your arms, baby position anymore. We usually set him on what we call his "throne," which is propped up on our legs (our knees bent, feet resting on the coffee table or bed or whatever) facing us. That way he can sit up. I think the bumbo will help give him that feeling other places too so he won't always have to stare at our faces--although, they say babies like to look at your face. Anyway, he certainly is plumping up big time, huh? He looks like such a little... MAN here. And look at that sleeper! Much more comfortable looking than his old ones.

Here is Bendy giving Eliot some puppy-baby kisses. Chris is always trying to shoo Abed-nego away from Eliot's face, but sometimes you just have to give in for a photo. That dog loves his baby; he's very protective. And I'm so glad that Abed-nego accepted Eliot so well. You hear so many stories where things go wrong and owners have to give their dogs away. Bendy has always been good with kids that he knows--he just really doesn't like strangers. And Eliot is no stranger!

And lastly, Eliot just looking cute. Doesn't it look like he has an elf ear here? Haha! I feel kind of bad because so many of his photos lately make his face look serious chubs, but it because he's always leaning back a little. Oh well. He's a baby. He doesn't care--for now. I wish I could give some good shots of me holding him up normal, but, alas, I'm usually the one taking the pictures. :)

I washed all of Eliot's 3-6 month clothes and tucked them away in his drawer. I was going to leave the 0-3 clothes that still fit; however, I'm realizing just how small they had all gotten. According to the size charts, he was right at the maximum length. Goodness. I might as well just pack it all up.

Eliot reacted beautifully to his vaccines. No fever. No fussing. He just slept during the day and I was able to get so much done. I cleaned the kitchen, ate lunch, did a load of laundry, took a shower, talked to Chris on a messenger for about an hour, and rested on the couch--I can't nap during the day. Man!

Eliot stoked about his diaper change after his doctor's appointment

Then Chris got home and came down with a migraine. I don't just mean that he got a headache. He started seeing spots and losing his vision. All that. Sooo, we spent the evening in our bedroom in the dark. Eliot was happy to sleep, though, so it all went the best that it could. Today, Chris felt more or less normal.

Eliot and Daddy today

Just got back from Eliot's two month appointment. Eleven pounds and three ounces (75 percentile), twenty-three and a half inches long (90 percentile!!!), and head circumference of fifteen inches (50 percentile). When the doctor left the room, Chris was bursting with excitement about Eliot's possible basketball future. Ha!

The doctor was happy with everything and said that Eliot's green poops are probably just from the fish oil since he is growing so well. I had just thought of that last night. The green diapers started showing up around the time we started giving him the fish oil at night.... Anyway, that is a relief.

We also gave Eliot his first round of vaccines. Ugh. Vaccines have been something I have struggled with in my mind for a long time, even before we got pregnant. Since Chris's cousin is autistic, it is all very real to us. I understand both sides, but with the help of our doctor (whose practice is also well-renowned for being an autism treatment center), I think we have a good, precautions plan. We space them out more than most doctors and give Eliot vitamins to boost his immune system every night.

Speaking of vitamins, I would almost be willing to bet that Eliot would sleep through the night with formula. We usually put his vitamins in a bottle of one or two ounces. Last night, we had a bag of three ounces of breast milk that needed to be finished up before it went bad. So we gave him three ounces right before bed and doubled up on the vitamins since he'd be getting his vaccines. And then Eliot wanted to eat more. So I fed him. The kid slept from 10:30 pm til 5:30 am! If only I could get him to eat that much every night before bed! Then he'd totally be sleeping just fine! But instead he prefers to sip sip sip. He has gotten better since he was a newborn, though. It used to be every hour. Now he usually sleeps until 2:30 am and then gets up every two hours. He'll be eight weeks old tomorrow and I'm tired. Chris said maybe we can try the formula before bed next week. He'd rather I exclusively breastfeed this week to give him the extra benefits since he just got his shots. I don't know. It'd be nice, but it is oh so hard to make the plunge with supplementing. And then I think about it and it IS just supplementing some, not quitting.

Eliot's clothes come in the mail today! And then his bumbo tomorrow! I'm probably more excited than I should be. I'm just really looking forward to washing and organizing all of his clothes. Haha! I love seeing him grow, but of course it makes me sad at the same time. His newborn dino outfits were so cute! I love them! And my little newborn is growing up. Ah.

p.s. I pumped almost three ounces this morning. Maybe the oatmeal is helping. Haha!

Today was the total opposite of yesterday....

I spent all day yesterday in bed. Eliot and I snuggled and talked and stared at each other while I tried to pump whenever I felt like I physically could. I got three ounces. I ate a lunch of oatmeal and pita chips with hummus around 1:30 pm. I showered around 3:00 pm, I think. It was a lazy day, and I really think I needed it following my 10-hour work day on Monday. Did I mention that on Monday night I fell asleep when Chris started watching a movie and thought he turned it off? Turns out that he watched the whole and part of a documentary and I didn't even notice because I was sooo passed out. Haha!

Last night, Chris and I planned to have sandwiches, rice with broccoli, and grapes for dinner. We're a team in the kitchen, so it started getting difficult carrying Eliot around while prepping. We decided to lay him down for a little while since it really wouldn't take long to finish putting dinner together. He wasn't having it. He cried and cried, but he has to some time, right? Well, he didn't forgive us the whole night and seemed so upset. He finally fell asleep about 9:00 pm, but was up fussing a lot throughout the night. I eventually put him in bed with us and he fell right to sleep. Eliot really does not fuss often for no reason. He is so easy to please, so I must have really made him mad.

Today was a new day, though. A fresh start. Eliot woke up around 8:00 am ready for the day. I managed a breakfast of oatmeal and grapes--I read that some people think oatmeal increases milk supply, so I figured it is worth a shot. I showered around 11:30 am. Around 12:15 pm, we were out the door to go meet Chris for lunch. I love seeing Chris in the middle of the day. It gives me something to look forward to and really helps me feel like I "got out" instead of sitting around alone. We ate at Five Guys and headed to Target for a few things and to finish up Eliot's clothes shopping. We also wanted to get him a bumbo. They only had a purple and pink bumbo, so I ordered one online instead. However, I got the rest of his clothes: a two-pack of sleepers, some white onesies, and a pair of pants. He should be set, I think. As nice as it is to have his clothes, I don't like not needing more. I love picking out his clothes more than my own.

Chris ran into Starbucks for us and then I took him back to work. We did all that in an hour! Eliot was so sweet the whole time until we got closer to home and he was just ready to eat. Now he is sitting on my lap rather content. Chris will be home in an hour and a half. I think I'll try to pump soon and then do some dishes if Eliot will let me. And then feed him again. And change his diaper again. :) I love hanging out with this little guy. I love taking care of him.

Eliot-baby just keeps on growing! I couldn't believe that he was 11.2 pounds according to our scale when I weighed him the other day. As he keeps on growing, it is time for round two of clothes shopping. When you have a baby, everyone is excited to give you newborn and 0-3 month outfits. Everything onward seems mostly forgotten--and I understand. Who knows how fast they will grow? I could assume Eliot would be in summer-y clothes at six months, but there is no way to know. From the looks of it, I think he is slightly ahead with clothes (though my mom said we were a little "ahead" too, so maybe he's just right on track).

Anyway, he was out of the newborn onesies after four weeks. Now at seven weeks, his 0-3 Gerber sleepers look very uncomfortable. Gerber seems to run a little small, but his Carter's and Target sleepers are fitting just perfect, which means he only has about a week or so left before they also begin to look ridiculous.

Sooo, clothes shopping it is! Diapers.com has their Carter's clothes at half off. I'm trying not to go overboard because I know he'll grow fast. And if I like something, I can wait until he fits into 6 month clothes too--he doesn't have to have it ALL in 3 month clothes.

Also, Eliot is about ready to step up to the next diaper size! Wow! I wanted to try cloth diapering and was looking at GroVia, but in the end decided to go with a more environmentally-friendly disposable. We order Nature Babycare diapers in bulk from Diapers.com. They're just a few cents more, yet are made with corn instead of plastic and claim to be 80% biodegradable. Whether or not they meet these promises, I don't know, but I'm trying. And they're Swedish, like me!

Eliot in his cute "natural" diaper

While on my Diapers.com rampage, I did order one medium-sized Gdiaper to use as a diaper cover because Eliot loves being naked. I figure he'll spend a lot of time outside this summer just in that diaper cover. At least it will make six month clothes shopping easier!

Another blog. How many of these have I had? It always feels nice to start again, I suppose. For this one, I'll mostly just be posting all of my thoughts that aren't really appropriate for my main, family blog. Everyone knows about that one. I don't feel comfortable rambling about breastfeeding and such there. And if people find this, then that is totally fine. I don't really care. I just don't want to advertise this everywhere, you know?

As for the title, I often use kttherobin for myself since my last name is Robinson these days. So, we'll just say Eliot is my robin now or something. Haha!

It strikes me that I am far too concerned with my audience.

Anyway... Christopher left for work. He brought me breakfast. Eliot has been up since about 8:00 am and now he is laying next to me in bed sucking on his paci, wearing just a diaper. He looks so sweet this way--and he is!

If I were smart and proactive, I'd be pumping right now, but I'm just exhausted by the pump at this point. I never looked forward to it or liked it, but now I'm simply frustrated. I don't know how women who work full time are able to pump enough for their babies. I spend all week hoping that I have gotten enough for my one day of ten hours.

I don't think my supply has really risen to the new demands that I introduced with the pump. Or maybe I just didn't pump enough. I started at 3 weeks--four weeks ago. To get it all right, I need to pump twice a day, getting four ounces total. Two ounces go in a bottle each night so we can give Eliot his DHA vitamins. The other two ounces go in a bag to store for Mondays while I'm at work. That would give Eliot 14 ounces while I am away--plenty.

However, I have trouble convincing myself to pump in the mornings, which I have read is the best time. I'm just tired. And if I do happen to pump in the morning, even if Eliot is asleep and just ate, he'll smell it and want to eat again. Then I have to pump and feed him at the same time. And then I can't do the other side.

By noon, I think of pumping, but feel discouraged that I waited so long. So then if I try in the evening when Chris is home, I've already missed my first pumping session and I often only get an ounce at night.

I tried to be good and smart last night/this morning. Eliot woke up at 3:20 am with a dirty diaper and wanting to eat. I fed him from the left side. My right felt full, a little hard, and I hadn't fed him much throughout the day since I had worked, so I was sure I'd get a lot. My right side seems to produce more. I was excited to be good and sacrifice sleep to pump. I was stoked thinking of how much I'd get, how ahead I'd be, and how proud Chris would be. I pumped for 15 minutes. Less than half an ounce. I tried the left side--I didn't think Eliot had drained it all the way and it had been a little while. Not a DROP. Are you kidding me? Now I had to go downstairs, store the milk, and clean everything out. By the time I got back to bed, it was 4:30 am--and guess who woke up at 5:20 am. And then 6:30 am. I was so discouraged.

Also, Eliot has been having more green diapers mid-day on til night when they should be orange. Then in the middle of the night and in the morning, the diapers are orange again. I have read all sorts of responses. Green could mean he isn't getting enough, that he has a stomach virus, or that he is just getting the less fatty foremilk. Or it could mean nothing if he is a happy, thriving baby. And he is happy. And continues to gain weight. According to our home scale, he is 11.2 pounds at 7 and a half weeks--he was 7 pounds, 3 ounces at birth. I highly doubt it is a stomach virus because this has been going on for about three weeks at least and he doesn't seem to feel badly. It is possible that he is more of a "sipper" at some stretches of the day, causing him to mostly get foremilk instead of draining the breast for the hindmilk.

Because of these green diapers, Chris and I were thinking a little bit about supplementing with formula. It'd be nice to get some longer increments of sleep at night. And then I wouldn't have to worry as much about pumping enough during the week. Of course, I'd try, but I could rest assured knowing that if Chris ran out, Eliot would simply have a bottle of formula or two. Would it be that bad for one day during the week and maybe one bottle at night? Heck, we could put his vitamins in that formula bottle at night, so all of my pumping efforts would go straight toward the Monday stash! I thought it was an all right idea. From the beginning, I figured I'd try to exclusively breastfeed as long as I could, but wouldn't feel guilty about supplementing.

Chris was quite opposed at first. And then he thought maybe. After reading the internet, though, he didn't feel comfortable making the plunge. Introducing Eliot's digestive system to formula is a big decision that you can't take back. He said maybe it'd be best to wait until Eliot hits three months--by the way, the doctor suggested supplementing with formula at his one month appointment since he was still waking up on the hour and Chris said we should try to wait until two months; well, here we are. Although, I admit that after figuring out that the green diapers probably weren't the biggest deal, supplementing was an idea that would make it all easier for me.

In the end, I'll just suck it up and keep on trying. I'm thankful that Chris cares and wants the best for Eliot. Chris is very supportive throughout this whole breastfeeding adventure as well, so it isn't just me making the sacrifices. He constantly encourages me to not allow myself to get anxious about it all, yet he also reminds me that I should go try to pump. On Mondays, I come home for lunch and feed Eliot. I also give Chris the milk that I have pumped at work. Then after the office closes, I stay for two more hours, so Chris brings me dinner the last hour and I feed Eliot again. With this routine, we've had more than enough pumped milk for the last two weeks--although we did dig into a bag of frozen milk that I had gathered before returning to work. If I'm exclusively breastfeeding, it gives me an excuse to see my baby and husband twice during my ten-hour work day. And I like that.